What is emotional intelligence and how can you get better at it.

In my last article, 5 ways to handle stress and negativity in the work place, we talked about some ways to reduce stress in the workplace. None of what I talked about in that article would be possible without Emotional Intelligence (EI). So let’s take a step back. By now you’ve probably heard the term “Emotional Intelligence” numerous times. Why? It’s because it’s so imperative for success in today’s workforce and in life! But what is it?

 

Emotional Intelligence, defined by the Google Dictionary is: The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

 

There are 5 key elements of emotional intelligence…

 

1. Self-awareness
2. Self-regulation
3. Motivation
4. Empathy
5. Social skills

 

There is so much more to Emotional Intelligence but let’s start with the basics. Here are two things you can do to get better at each element of EI.

 

Self-Awareness (Be open to feedback)

 

1. Get regular feedback at work: HBR says: In addition to informally and periodically asking friends and family, use the formal processes and mechanisms at your workplace. If none are in place, see if you can implement more formal feedback loops. Provided it is done well, constructive, formalized feedback allows us to better see our own strengths and weaknesses.
2. Ask trusted friends: None of us is altogether aware of how we come across to others. We have to rely on the feedback of our peers, friends, and mentors. To have your friends play the role of honest mirror, let them know when you are seeking candid, critical, objective perspectives. Make your friend or colleague feel safe to give you an informal, but direct and honest view. This can mean saying something like, “Look, I am actually asking you as a friend, please just be straight with me on this matter. Okay? “

 

Self-Regulation

 

1. Identifying Your Triggers: An important part of being self-regulated is self-awareness, particularly when it comes to knowing what your weaknesses are, and how other people’s behavior can affect you negatively. Identify your triggers by making a list of all the times when you’ve given in to your negative impulses at work. When you’ve identified emotions and reactions that aren’t useful, replace them with more positive behaviors.
2. Practicing Self-Discipline: In their 2012 study, “Masters of the Long Haul,” researchers Thomas Bateman and Bruce Barry said that self-regulation is the single most important factor in achieving long-term goals. People who show initiative or work toward challenging goals often encounter difficulties and setbacks, but those who are able to keep going eventually succeed. For example, keeping focused on how you’ll feel when you’ve finished your project might be the best way to avoid procrastinating, or giving up on a difficult project completely.

 

Motivation

 

1. Write out pros and cons: Whether it’s for your job or personal life when you write out pros and cons you will start to see a true depiction of what motivates you. When you are able to identify these things you will be able to set clear goals.
2. Set goals: After you identify your goals through the pros and cons write them down. Dr. Gail Matthews, a psychology professor at the Dominican University in California, recently studied the art and science of goal setting. She stated that, “You become 42% more likely to achieve your goals and dreams, simply by writing them down on a regular basis. The likelihood that you’ll transform your desires into reality goes up even further if you share your written goals with a friend who believes in your ability to succeed (what I call a “partner in believing”).

 

Empathy

 

1. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes: Before you react to a situation pause, take a step back and ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were in this persons shoes”. This is hard to do but if you practice and think about what may be going in in their life or if you were in their position how you would receive the message, you can begin to empathize with that person. Then you can verbally express this to the person and usually their guard will start to go down.
2. Ask more questions: Stephen Covey said: “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” This is so true of someone who lacks empathy. I encourage you to ask 3 questions before replying to someone. This will force you to learn more about them and the circumstances.

 

Social Skills

 

1. Become genuinely interested in the other person: We all have something in common no matter what race, religion, background, or social status. All we have to do is observe and ask. Look at someone’s desk for pictures or other things, how they’re dressed or even how they speak. Now find something in common. It’s there you just have to look for it. Now engage in a conversation about the things you have in common. You will have a genuine conversations and build the relationship.
2. Extend conversations: Ask questions that get people talking about themselves. It’s human nature that people like to tell others about themselves. Some examples of these types of questions are…

 

“Tell me a little more about your family?”

“How do you know the host of the party?”

“How long have you been attending / been a member of weight watchers?”

“What are your plans for the weekend?” 

I know these things aren’t easy but I promise you that if you truly attempt to get better at these things you will better your career and have a much more enjoyable experience at work.

 

Please comment your thoughts and question and I’ll do my best to respond to all of them.

 

Dale