One of the most common struggles I see in leaders is finding that middle ground between being too lenient and being overly rigid. I’ve been there myself. Coming from the Marine Corps, my default leadership style was authoritative… very direct, structured, and mission-focused. But I quickly realized that civilian leadership required something different. So I swung too far the other way. I tried to lead with compassion and leniency, but it backfired. People took advantage of it, and I lost credibility.
Finding the balance isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Your team doesn’t need a drill instructor, and they don’t need a doormat either. What they do need is someone who holds them accountable, sets clear expectations, and genuinely wants to see them grow.
What I Tell Leaders
Recently, one of my leaders in my organization asked for advice on this exact topic… how to avoid the extremes. Here’s what I told them, and what I wish I had fully understood earlier in my career:
1. Connect Before You Correct
Years ago, my pastor said something on Father’s Day that stuck with me: “Before you correct, you have to connect.” That’s leadership in a nutshell. If you don’t build trust, your feedback is going to fall flat, or worse, trigger defensiveness and disengagement.
Leaders who take time to understand their people, their motivations, their challenges, and their stories earn the right to challenge them. Accountability starts with connection.
2. Set Clear Expectations (and Consequences)
Ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. If your team doesn’t know exactly what’s expected of them, you can’t fairly hold them accountable when they fall short.
Make expectations clear, measurable, and tied to purpose. But don’t stop there, explain what happens if expectations aren’t met. Not as a threat, but as a roadmap. You owe them that clarity.
3. Hold People Accountable—with Heart
Once you’ve done the work to connect and communicate, holding people accountable becomes an act of leadership… not punishment. Most people, whether they admit it or not, want to be held to a standard. They want someone to believe in them enough to push them. When accountability is delivered with care and consistency, it becomes a tool for development, not discipline.
On the other hand, if you skip steps one and two, accountability can come off as micromanagement or intimidation. That’s when people shut down. They go into fight-or-flight mode, and any hope of growth is lost.
Final Thought
One of my favorite leadership books, Monday Morning Leadership by David Cottrell, includes an exercise where you ask your boss: “What are the top three things I should focus on to be successful?” That question changed the way I approached my own role, and my team.
If you’re a leader, ask yourself what kind of leader you want to be remembered as. Then ask your boss what they need most from you. Somewhere in that space between connection and correction, empathy and standards, lies the sweet spot of leadership.
It’s not about being soft. It’s about being strong enough to care… and consistent enough to follow through.
A Workplace Playbook 
Leave a comment